SAD POST WARNING…sort of.
This is the really good kind of sad. the kind that needs to leave my system and i’ve been holding back a lot of emotions lately and i need to get rid of the toxic build up before i breakdown like i used to. So this is going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.
I’m going to cry and vent and most probably alone. But that’s okay too. I need to feel comfortable with being alone because its not a bad thing to be once in a while.
However being alone with sad thoughts, angry ones even, that gets me to the brink of the danger zone.
I’ve been medication free for a few months. I haven’t been medication free for 6 years so dealing with and healing from my depression is a tough process, especially on my own. Lost more friends than i can count in the past year especailly two really important ones.
The cutest, funniest girl i first met at uni, we became really close and really fast. Yea i miss her, can i say she misses me too? Unfortunately i can’t. And i can get mad for a little bit, but the fact is people change and if her attitude about me as her closest friend changed then i can’t really get mad at her. I can just be civil and move on no matter how disappointed i am that she didn’t help me get through this tough time i’ve been having. But if she ever needs me i will always be the friend ready to reach out to.
P, i wasn’t exactly the best friend to you, and this is my sorry you’ve heard so many times. But you aren’t innocent here either. Do i regret not dating you? No, no i don’t. But do I regret ruining our great friendship forever? Yes, Absolutely. But it’s really too late to fix anything b/w us. I also wish you were around to help me through this really difficult time i have been having trying to stabilize myself. Of all the people i have met, dated, got acquainted with, and so on, you really left a mark. We baked at like 10 am, watched movies, you taught me to never challenge you in any video game, you tried to teach me guitar, you showed me music i don’t think i’d ever stop listening to, i went to your shows as much as i could. Heck, i drove out all the way to hoboken to see you, that never happens to anyone. You introduced me to some of the coolest people i’ve ever met. We laughed and we hurt each other, we had the best days and the worst. I won’t forget a single day. And i will also be the friend you can reach out to in any situation, i’ll be there.
So i’m lonely, and MSU is really empty without some of my friends. But this is good, and i’m okay. i’m learning to love myself again because i don’t remember when i last did.